LIVE BLOG: Eurovision Song Contest 2011
My Saturday night was spent trying to keep up with the constant flow of music as Azerbaijan took the Eurovision 2011 title. To re-run the fun, start from the bottom and read up.
For any non-Europeans wondering what the Dickens this is all about, scroll to the bottom of the page for a brief introduction.
IT'S OVER!
2321: Final Top 3: 3rd, Sweden, 2nd - Italy, 1st - Azerbaijan
2320: UK finish with 100 points, which is pretty much unheard of over the last decade.
2318: I'm doing the sums in my head here, but I'm fairly sure Azerbaijan have now officially won it.
2316: Azerbaijan on the verge of winning here...
2315: Israel voting. If you're thinking, hang on, Israel isn't in Europe, you're right, it isn't.
2313: UK give Ireland 12, they give us 6 - what good is that?
2312: Azerbaijan's lead is approaching 50 points. Their government must be dreading it.
2310: Country 35, Lithuania, voting. 3rd - Italy, 2nd - Ukraine, 1st - Azerbaijan
2308: That lead is building - can Azerbaijan afford to host the Eurovision song contest? What's downtown Baku like?
2306: Azerbaijan now with an 18 point lead, which is odd as their song was RUBBISH.
2305: Ireland and the UK now couldn't be more mid-table. There must be a formula for predicting what will do well in this contest; no idea what it is though.
2304: Jedward down to ninth. It makes you sad, it really does.
2302: Serbia give 12 points to Bosnia - who'da thunk it?
2301: After France awarded only one point to the UK, Graham Norton, commentating for the BBC, grumpily said, "One? We built a tunnel to your country."
2300: After saying Sweden could run away with it, they're down to third. Yet further proof I know nothing.
2257: Bosnia up into third place and Jedward sadly starting to slide down; they're currently in sixth.
2253: We're now halfway through the voting. It looks like a two horse race between Azerbaijan and Sweden, with Ireland as dark horses.
2252: My Icelandic prediction looks like it won't bear fruit. They're currently in 18th place.
2251: I don't wish to be rude, but the woman giving the Azerbaijani results looks like those pictures you see on cards in insalubrious telephone boxes.
2248: San Marino apparently get a vote, despite the country being the size of a postage stamp and it being inhabited only by small woodland creatures.
2247: UK are slipping down the leaderboard at an alarming rate here. It's time to make a quick decision. I am firmly TEAM JEDWARD from now on.
2246: Spain currently in bottom place. Sweden could run away with this...
2244: Jedward now ahead of Blue. It's just as it should be.
More David Coleman on Twitter: 2 points from Iceland? Time to call in those debts...
2242: UK give 8 to Moldova and the crazy hats and TWELVE FOR JEDWARD. My faith in humanity has been restored *waves Union Jack*
2241: Sweden starting to build up a lead...
2240: UK picking up some steady points, but it looks unlikely we'll win. Ireland in a comfortable mid-table position, which is a TRAVESTY
2239: Poor Switzerland. The only country with no points so far.
2238: After 9/43 countries have voted, joint 2nd - Sweden and Ukraine, 1st - Azerbaijan
2236: In case you're wondering, 25 countries in the final, but 43 entered at the semi-final stage. This means ALL 43 countries get to vote. I hope you're here for the long haul.
David Coleman on Twitter: What if we win? Can we afford to put on a Eurovision? It looks pretty expensive and we've already got to stage an Olympics we can't afford.
2234: Cyprus give 12 points to Greece. World continues to spin on axis.
2232: Another 10 to the UK. After 4/43 countries have voted, the UK are top. If you knew the UK's recent Eurovision record, you'd find this as baffling as I do.
2231: Fairly sure the singer from the Danish act looked directly into the camera and said, "I will fuck you."
2230: BULGARIA GIVE 12 POINTS TO THE UK. After 2 countries have voted, we're already ahead of last year's points total.
2229: UK off the mark! 4 points for the UK, 12 to Azerbaijan in the first round of voting.
2228: Get ready for half an hour of back-slapping and fake bonhomie
2226: Right, time to start the point counting. Yes, that's right, I'm about to commentate on people reading out numbers...
2224: The presenters are going back to their "comedy" skits. I was wrong before, this is the time to go and get a drink.
2221: German language rap isn't a genre I'm planning on further investigating any time soon.
2218: Apparently this singer is one of the biggest acts in Germany. I'd rather re-watch most of the Eurovision bands. Especially as this number sounds like Jamiroquai... but worse.
2217: The interval guy, who looks a bit like Pitbull in a checked suit, just segued into Missy Elliott's Get Ur Freak On. It's all very odd.
2214: It's the interval act... some guy who's only famous in Germany. This is the bit where you go and get a drink.
LINES ARE CLOSED. I know, I know, you were busy voting, but please stop now.
2212: Every time they recap, that Serbia song gets better... and the Georgia one gets worse.
2210: Bizarrely, when they run through all the entries, Blue get loads of cheers from the crowd. More than anyone bar Germany, I'd say.
2207: Would you like to see the best (and by "best", I mean "most bizarre") song in Eurovision history? Of course you would.
2205: They're playing some sort of montage but worse than that, it's soundtracked by Gary Go, NOOOOOOOO!
Again, Mark Davison: After all that, I think the host's bizarre rockabilly number from the start should probably win
2203: OK, prediction time. 3rd - Ukraine. 2nd - Ireland, 1st - Iceland.
2156: And then the songs were finished. You might think that would be the end. But I'm here until the bitter end, which is still over an hour away *weeps*
2155: ...and then it was ruined by a rap segment.
2154: Oh wow, industrial goth rock. This is... different.
2153: Time for the last entry: Georgia.
2152: This is pretty perky though. Hang on, KEY CHANGE ALERT.
2151: Seriously, this is like a parody of "swinging London" as sung by a Serbian Dina Carroll.
2150: Note to the Serbian entry: Austin Powers wasn't a documentary, it's not really what the 60s were like.
Charlie Brooker on Twitter: What if the sandbox lady goes mad, and starts drawing atrocities from the Vietnam war?
Caitlin Moran on Twitter: If the sand-picture lady coughs, she's fucked
2146: While Ukraine play, someone is doing a live sand drawing and projecting it onto the screen. That's sure to win a few votes. Apparently, this singer was the winner of Ukraine's Got Talent. To which I'd reply, "no, it clearly hasn't" (except the sand drawing woman; she's great).
2145: Oh, I am so very tired.
2144: No hand claps, no castanets, no Flamenco. I hope Spain come LAST.
2143: The fixed grin on the Spanish singer's face is genuinely terrifying.
2141: I'm a big fan of national stereotypes, so if this Spanish entry doesn't feature hand claps, castanets and Flamenco dancing, I'll feel short changed.
Rebecca from Slow Club on Twitter: Mumford and Sons in 10 years
David Coleman on Twitter: Well, if I learned one thing tonight it's that Slovenia isn't quite where I thought it was
2138: If Take That put "humorous" oompah horns in all their songs, it would sound like this Icelandic entry. Other than that, it's not a bad effort.
2137: It's just been revealed the writer of Iceland's song died in January. Before even hearing it, I'm predicting it will win. Yes, I'm a cynic.
2136: 5 songs to go. I may make it out alive. Iceland's turn.
2134: KEY CHANGE ALERT
2133: This woman sounds so much like Cristina Aguilera, I'm expecting her to tell us she's "beautiful" or "a fighter" any moment.
Mark Davison is stealing the show on Twitter: Graham Norton once again demonstrates why he's my first stop for Antony Costa from Blue news
2132: Slovenia. God knows what the rest of the band are doing but the pianist's just playing the intro to The Eagles' New York Minute.
2129: You know some people you just instinctively want to punch on seeing them? Well, the Azerbaijani guy, him. Dull, dull, dull. We need unicycles again or, even better. Jedward.
2127: That Austrian song could also win. Next up, Azerbaijan.
Charlie Brooker on Twitter again: One year, all nations should all do lyrics about how much we hate one specific country, picked at random. Eurovision bullying. Just 26 songs about Greece being a cunt or something.
2126: KEY CHANGE ALERT
2125: This sounds like something from the start of Mariah Carey's career, i.e., awful. She's certainly got a voice on her though.
2124: Song 18/25 - Austria. Starting a cappella; brave.
2123: This Romanian guy also shares a tailor with Beetlejuice.
2122: KEY CHANGE ALERT
2121: The Romanian entry sounds really dated. The kind of thing people used to enter Eurovision with in the 90s. Happily, the non-specific lyrical themes of "changes" and "dreams" remain ever-present.
2120: Yikes, this is relentless. Romania now. I assume their song isn't Dragostea Din Tae (spelling?). Shame.
2119: Just as I was expecting the song to get going... it finished.
2117: Word on Twitter is that Moldova were great and I'm wrong. Hopefully we can all agree that this Lena track, representing Germany, is just plain dull.
2116: Last year's winner, Lena, is now defending her title. The bassline reminds me of Hall & Oates' Maneater. That could just be me though.
2115: You may have noticed I'm running out of synonyms for "bad." There are still two hours to go, so please suggest more.
2114: The best thing about this Moldova entry being so unflinchingly bad, is that it increases the chances of the UK winning.
2113: WHAT THE HELL? A woman dressed as an angel playing a horn is now riding around the stage on a unicycle.
2112: Moldova... and they're all wearing two-foot tall black conical hats, and shouting. Remember that awful band The Automatic? This is Moldova's answer to them.
2110: I can moan about Blue all day long, but if this was just their straight-up comeback single, I'd be claiming it was amazing. By the way, I think I'm going to get Mark Davison to live blog this for me next year.
Mark Davison again: As if Jedward being alright wasn't strange enough, I'm actually sort of enjoying Blue's entry (ooh-er matron etc etc)
2108: They're called Blue and they're wearing blue - clever. Nice to see they're keeping up the Eurovision tradition of hitting around 28% of the notes they're aiming for. For anyone watching outside of Europe, this is honestly the best entry we've had in quite some time. No, really.
2107: Time for Blue! Reminds me of my favourite joke I heard this week: "What's blue and can't sing? Blue."
2105: I can hear the ukulele, yet I can't see it. Please tell me I'm not having ukulele-based hallucinations.
2104: The Swiss entry isn't a million miles away from The Maccabee's Toothpaste Kisses. It's also sung by a woman whom I can confidently say, is quite literally, not ugly.
2103: Woah, we're back. Time for Switzerland.
2101: Oh, a break, thank God. I'm off to the fridge.
2100: We're an hour in, and the best act by a MILE was Jedward. I don't know what's happening any more. It's like up is down and down is up. Everything I thought I knew is wrong.
2059: Imagine taking the worst bits of Michael Bublé and Jamie Cullum. Right, imagine that, that's the Italian song.
2058: Italy next, for the first time in 14 years. Hilariously, they flounced off in protest against something or other.
2057: The French guy was singing in Corsican... as you do.
2055: Wow, this guy can REALLY sing. As in, properly sing. He's no Jedward though.
2054: France time. They're the favourites. It's... hang on, it's opera! It looks like one of Hanson has become a tenor.
2053: Does anyone fancy getting me another beer?
2052: Well, it's certainly no Pokerface, but there are shades of GaGa in the chorus. Must do better, RedOne, see me after class.
Jo_dB on Twitter: Oh dear god. Greece really is not the word
2049: Russia next. Co-written by RedOne, who is actually amazing.
NR scribe, Juan Edgardo Rodriguez on Twitter: I actually enjoyed Jedward: it was like an androgynous pop version of Kraftwerk.
2048: I feel as if I won't be getting a job with the European tourist board any time soon.
2047: This is like a spoof of rap. Hip-hop for people who've only read about it and hate it on principle. He seems angry about nothing in particular, he's wearing a baseball cap and he's a bit gruff. Plus, there's rubbish breakdancing in the background. Oh, and then the chorus is apparently from an entirely different song.
2046: We've just been told Greece - up next - featuring Stereo Mike. Is that Stereo Mike from the beginning of Bran Van 3000's Drinking In LA, I wonder
Ian Wade on Twitter: Estonia. Fisher Price Katy Perry
2042: Despite the dance beats, the Estonian entry sounds a bit flat after the high-NRG of Sweden and the, well, Jedwardness of Jedward.
2041: What I've neglected to point out is that the Swedish song just repeats, "I will be popular" over and over again. Proof that if you repeat things often enough, they still don't come true.
2040: KEY CHANGE ALERT
More from Mark Davison: If Brian Molko formed a boyband, it would sound just like this
2039: This Swedish group will be performing at G.A.Y. next week, I'm sure.
2038: This is all going too quickly for me to keep up. My tiredness is kicking in. This could all go a bit Hunter S Thompson. Anyway, Sweden now.
2036: Am I alone in actually really enjoying this? It's like the best song Depeche Mode never wrote. Before I get sacked from No Ripcord, I'd just like to point out they're still the least coordinated identical twins in history.
2035: This is like some kind of horrendous vision of the future where Jedward rule the earth. Yet it's strangely engrossing...
2033: Ireland next which means only one thing. JEDWARD ALERT! *sounds klaxon*
2032: Five songs in and no sign of a key change. I'd like my money back.
2031: The Hungarian entry is a thumping dance song performed by a woman in a satin blue dress. In other words, Hungary to win!
Mark Davison on Twitter: The LIthuanian entry is actually hurting my ears. Luckily I can mute it as she seems to be signing it too
No Ripcord head honcho David Coleman on Twitter: Was this in a Disney film?
2027: Dry ice, piano ballad, singer signing her lyrics, huge drums. This is the kind of stuff that tends to win.
2026: While watching Eurovision, I note that "BuyChrisBrownFAME" is the top trending topic on Twitter. We've clearly failed as a species.
2025: Time for Lithuania...
2024: The Danish seem to have entered a "proper" band, y'know, with guitarists and a bassist and a drummer and that. Their incredibly orange singer has the kind of gravity-defying hair that has to be seen to be believed. Perhaps he's Jedward's Dad. As for the song, it's a passable, non-specific soft-rock ditty, and probably the best entry so far. Not that that's saying much.
2021: That was also awful. Next, Denmark.
2019: The Bosnian entry seems to be a horrific blend of Euro-pop and traditional oompah music, sang by a tuneless vagrant in a second-hand suit.
2017: Well, that was bobbins. No worries, Bosnia-Herzegovina up next!
The peerless Popjustice on Twitter: I don't think much of La Roux's new direction.
No Ripcord writer Mark Davison on Twitter: Shameless bid by Finland for votes with the European countries lyric
2014: The Finnish entry is an acoustic ballad, seemingly about world peace. First line: "Peter is smart / He knows his European countries by heart"
2013: First country about to play; it's Finland.
THE PHONE LINES ARE OPEN! We haven't actually heard any of the songs yet, but feel free to vote anyway.
2012: We've just been told the "music industry professionals" who make up the UK's vote-casting jury. I've never heard of any of them...
2010: Sad to hear that former winner, Israel's transsexual singer, Dana International, didn't make it through the heats.
2008: We've had lights, last year's winner and a pyrotechnic display already. The only way is down from here, surely.
AMAZING text from my friend, Matt, just now: I like this song. It reminds me of Tom & Jerry dancing in Zoot suits.
2005: We now have a rockabilly version of last year's winning song and... um, well I've heard worse things. It's certainly catchy... and has two drummers.
Charlie Brooker on Twitter: I simply don't understand what's happening.
2004: The hosts are now doing a terrible, rehearsed skit around last year's winning song. The audience are going mad; it's fair to assume they've been lobotomised and/or are drunk.
2002: The host just called last year's hosts, Norway, "the friendliest Vikings of all times [sic]." No, really...
2001: Apparently the evening's theme is "feel your heart beat." So, if you could check your pulse at regular intervals, it would be much appreciated.
No Ripcord writer Gary McGinley on Twitter: looking forward to #eurovision. It's so wrong that it's right!
2000: And so it begins... Quick disclaimer: you should probably know that I've been up since 4.45am...
Preview: Last year, Lena won for Germany with her song Satellite, so this year's event is being held in Dusseldorf. In the UK at least, France are favourites with the bookies, Amaury Vassili's Sognu. Second favourites are Ireland's Jedward and, ladies and gentlemen, if you're not familiar with Jedward's oeuvre, you're in for a treat.
Jedward are Irish identical twin brothers, John and Edward Grimes, who became famous after appearing on the UK version of X Factor. Put kindly, they're a triumph of belief over discernable talent, often disproving the belief that identical twins have a special link due to their uncoordinated movement. Despite this, the public have taken them to their hearts and they swept through their semi-final.
Representing the UK will be reformed boyband, Blue. Exceptionally popular around a decade ago, Blue are now better known for their interview quotes where they often display a staggering lack of knowledge or self-awareness. Blue are currently fourth favourites, just behind international songwriting powerhouse, Azerbaijan.
As to who I think will win, I haven't a clue I'm afraid. I've only heard one of the songs, and that was a few weeks ago. However, I hear Russia's entry was produced and co-written by Lady GaGa collaborator, RedOne, so I'm certainly looking forward to that.
Introduction: The Eurovision song contest has been an annual event since 1956 and the premise is simple. Each European country enters a song, viewers from all European nations vote, and the country with the most points wins and gets the right to host the next contest. There's more (or, perhaps, less) to it than meets the eye though. In the UK especially, the quality of the songs means the Eurovision is often derided and seen as kitsch. The UK media feed the line that it's taken seriously in the rest of Europe whereas the British see the whole thing as a joke. Laugh if you want, but many groups throughout history have shot to fame with a good Eurovision showing, most notably ABBA.
Recent years have seen the traditional, larger European nations get pushed down the pecking order as emerging nations steal their thunder. Now there are more nations than ever before, qualifying heats have been introduced to limit the number of countries in the final to 25. There's also the controversial theme of "block voting;" countries seem to often show a preference to nations with whom they share a border. This seems especially prevalent within the smaller nations that formerly made up both the USSR and Yugoslavia. Since last year, points have been awarded on a combination of viewer votes and professional judging, with an aim to eradicating any accusations of favouritism.
The contest is shown in many countries worldwide, but if it's not available on television where you are, why not watch online?
Get involved with feedback, predictions and any other comments below or on Twitter.
14 May, 2011 - 18:10 — Joe Rivers